Watered Down

Shut up dread in my head

Lie instead

Show the meadows and rainbows 

Not the crooks and murders

Show the sunshine and clouds 

Not the rains and lightening 

Because showing the truth is hard

So keep it light please

They want people like me to shut up and be silenced

The news shows what's trending and you're a fool if you buy it

There splitting hairs but you don't care 

The news portrays a good dream but it's really a nightmare

I'm not scared but it's all written it's all there

They're not going to like you but hate you, because you go against what they believe

Because honestly you don't have to be great to achieve, at least not anymore 

Look at music and you'll find that current talents are by far mediocre 

Now a days walking down the street is a crime but keep protesting and parading for your rights 

Stay on the never going to win it fight

Truthfully I didn't see the answers clearly as I do right now 

The worst thing, as important as it is to Love

Forgotten and fabricated by most what we think is Love happens on the fourteenth of February, or on certain timeline post

Stop posting that crap please, you're a joke

Humanities view of love is so minute

It's true, true Love is written in the book

It's vividly describe as unconditional, non boastful, and never ending

But we put a price on it, boast about it and cut it off

This worlds foundation is crumbling, it's almost afloat 

Since most don't realize it by choice because there "love" is what matters the most 

Stupid

Close minded 

Not to mention blinded

While the truth floats off you wave goodbye to it while you stand on sand that's quick to change and be blown away

Stand on something worthy

Honest 

Love

Stand on that raw emotion of Love

The Love the one the guy who came down forty some generations talked about

The Love that built this world 

Stand on that instead of some over processed garbage that we imagine for ourselves 

Stand

Oh No That Item Has Been Discontinued

I don't know if anyone does a spending tracker on things like caring, patience, or things like that but I do. It's the end of the month so I've drained my care fund down to nothing and I'm thinking of taking the funds with which I would spend on patience and buying a new Coach bag because it's a better investment than people. Living the life we live is great for most, you build relationships with people, friendships but sometimes you grow apart. We all have different experiences and some are blessed with more good experiences, while others suffer and endure worse. That's what makes us who we are, but then we have the issue with who we believe ourselves to be, versus who we truly are, versus what we show to people, and then we round it out with people's perception of the person we show to them. I'll use work as an example, unless you're your own boss you can't possibly be yourself at work, if that was the case I would be quiet and work on my knitting, exercise, read and write all day, and watch Netflix but I can't do that because I can't be myself in my work environment. Think about it, how many people know the true you other than God? Now how many people know only what you want them to know, and how many people know you based on the person you've had to become to survive? It's great to be free and live life but if only it were truly as easy as it sounds. And maybe for some it is that easy, but for the other percent that wake up each morning surviving and not living I commend you. I used to live a life where I lived to pacify others, I actually enjoyed people, but us---- human beings are such horrid creatures more than they are pleasant ones. It's an ugly truth that I think we all hide, even your generous and cheerful of people have an unpleasantness. I don't know when we as a society changed to being so lazy, stupid, and hateful? It makes me not trust anyone because from what I've seen everyone has a hidden agenda or use you to get to the top themselves, more concerned with there own personal pleasures and joys than the persons with which they suck dry and use to build there own power. No one wants to hear the negativity, or be labeled a pessimist but we don't live in the times of positivity anymore. And maybe the fact that we faked that positivity and sweep negativity, and truth under the rug so much has caused the destructive society we have today Just look at the news, any act of kindness now is spotlighted in the media like its so great, how about taking it as something you should do since you should be a good person to all people, but oh yeah we don't live in that world anymore, my bad. Now I'll admit that I'm a bit jealous of most peoples lives because they seem to have had a lot more freedom than I have had. I'll take the blame that I structure my life because I know my life and how it works (I wrote a blog about it) and it's left little room for pleasures or joys living in that box, but it's kept me pretty level considering. I watch people walk around aimlessly, stupid, unaware taking more time to decide on what they want to eat than they do about more serious matters such as where the better schools are for they children so they can receive the best education. I read an article about the psychology people who hate people, it's called misanthropy

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Misanthropy the general hatred, distrust, or disdain, of the human species or human nature.

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The article explained a lot about people who hate people, it's not so much of they hate people but it's deeper than that. CHECK OUT THE ARTICLE!!! It's a bit more personally based than a generalization. As I've said before I used to like people but that view has changed tremendously for me, because I have such a high standard for the people I surround myself with that only the elite survive. I also have to add my short or lack there of level of tolerance for people, I'll admit I've spent the money I would have bought more tolerance with on MMA fighting gloves but that's besides the point. What I'm saying is the items that more people are wanting from me lately have been discontinued, it's the special brand that I used to use and now I can't find it anywhere, so please read the caution before discussing stupid stuff with me, because you will either receive a vague response, a thumbs up emoji, silence and a side eye.

That is all, lol.

Pretty Hurts

Let's be honest, not everyone is extremely attractive, to each it's own but some men and women are gorgeous. Truth be told I believe self esteem is built from within one's self not by the acceptance of others. But today I'll be discussing how being pretty sucks. 

For those of you who fall into the bornbeautifulIwokeuplikethis#flawless category, good for you, but it sucks sometimes doesn't it?

I was talking with a friend who falls into this said category and after listening I summed up all she had said in one response. "I hate to say this, but that's the cost of being pretty." Her response was "I really does, it sucks." This friends not only pretty, but she has a very extroverted, cheerful, peppy personality to add to her beauty. But if it's the beauty that people see first and they struggle to get past that, what's the point? It's a struggle for my friend to date because most men are attracted to her based solely on her physical and ignore her personality, or when she does dive into a relationship she finds that the men she's with become infatuated with her and controlling of her because of the fear of her leaving them. She described it saying that in these men's minds she's going to always' be able to do better than them and the anxiety of losing her to other men leads them to become a bit crazy. While I would said that if a man is that fearful of losing you, he's insecure anyway, but I can't, because I haven't really had that issue. 

Aside from relationship struggles, theres the personal issue of my friend not being able to be herself because of her beauty. When she said this I was confused? But she explained to me that at times she's had to take a step down from being herself, for example not being as peppy to remove attention that she didn't want from people including women who for some reason(insecurity) didn't like her because of her beauty and personality. This friend has spoken to me about her life experiences and she's had a hard life and survived it all, but most people wouldn't even know that because they're basing there view of her on her beauty versus getting to know her. I used to think like those same people when I was younger, "If you're pretty you have it all." But in all actuality its just another side of the coin with it's own set of issues, it's own set of struggles. 

What it boils down to is acceptance. Why should people have to dilute themselves to accommodate others, or change who they are because they're fighting for the same acceptance that the introverted depressed person is? It's a surprising view and one that isn't talked about enough. 

Be blessed.

#LITR

        You know sometimes how you get in a mood? Like you feel extra happy or mopey or just blah? Well I would like to call my mood the LITR (life is too real) mood. It's when you realize that your personal life is somehow reached a pinnacle of realness that you never would have thought it would be. Some King of the world, Titanic type stuff, which makes it hard to share how I'm doing with people when they ask. If people knew how the simple phrase of "How are you?" affects me they wouldn't ask it. My response is usually a quick stern "Fine" or "Doing alright, I can't complain" but before those words leave my mouth or get typed out by my fingers in a text message there's a strain, an extra pain that I experience because I feel the pressure to be my usually brutally honest self, but I would be risking a lot. What would I be risking? Usually it's a choice between pissing off the person I'm talking too by wanting to say "Why would you ask me that, when you don't even care, and you're just being nosy to use my response for gossip?" or it's "I wish I could tell you the truth, but I don't trust you completely yet" or "You have a great life, I don't want to burden it, so I'm doing FANTASTIC (Draws an imaginary rainbow)". Do you ever feel that your life is too real for yourself and bringing a 3rd party into the equation could cause all the plates you have balance on sticks and spinning to come tumbling to the ground? That's how I feel sometimes.

Have a good day!!!!
God Bless


Check out my story spot
http://ciderasstories.blogspot.com

What Do I Have To Show For It

First allow me to start off with this, everyone has opportunities in life, some just have the life beat out of them so much by life that they settle, some have been raked across the coals so much that they don't have anything left, some are too caught up in the false reality they see on tv, and some are just too lazy.  Now not everyone has the same opportunities but everyone has opportunities, speaking with a man in his late 20's I discussed with him his life a bit. I've known the young man for a year and watched him remain in the same position of working a minimum wage job, being bullied by his baby momma, mother in-law, and support his kids. A year ago the young man was deep into alcoholism, but of course he saw it as no big deal since he only did it on the weekend. Yeah that's alright, nothing against having a break and taking back a few, but it's coming through your pores bro and it's clear from your bloodshot eyes that you're still heavily intoxicated. There were many days I thanked God he had no vehicle when I saw him drunk, things could have gotten real serious then. But back to the young man today, he's cut way back on the drinking, but he's still living the same life as he was last year. I can't stand it when people accept there existence on earth as enough. I didn't grow up with major motivation or support, but somehow I guess I figured that I would have to motivate myself. 

The young man and I started to talk and I began to ask him about what he was planning to do with his life? I will not lie, what I said may sound harsh, but nobody else is asking him these questions, no one else gives a crap about this young man, they would much rather be acceptant of his stationary existence in life. One of my church brothers met this young man, and when I see him he's asked about him on many occasions, and what do I have to say? I say "He's still doing the same old thing." It's not to say he has no way to do better, because he's intelligent, he just does dumb stuff. We discussed school, and his claim was he had tried it and didn't like his classes and was waiting to decide what he wanted to do. Okay, so in the mean time why not go learn a trade for something, get a certification and start working a real job? The financial aid assistance program helps so many people, it's great, and he can get help, but he'd rather sulk in his depression. Throughout our conversation the young man kept saying I'm just trying to take care of my kids, okay good. I love a father whose willing to take care of his children, but I posed a question to him- - - - - -what if something happens to you? He didn't have an answer to that, but tears filled his eyes. The next answer I received from him was, they would be taken care of, me being around really doesn't seem to matter to anyone. 

(Pause) Yeah, the truth comes out. Remember when I said some just have the life beat out of them so much by life that they settle, some have been raked across the coals so much that they don't have anything left. That's where this young mans situation is at, and unfortunately he's not surrounded by many people who are going to speak up about how he's living(Play)

BUT I WILL. I can't sit by and watch someone who has the potential to be great lay by the river that can heal them and be too comsumed by depression to roll themselves in. I hope you can swim dude because I'm pushing you, pulling you kicking and screaming into this river. I wasn't asking him to jump up to it today but I did push the issue of looking into going back to school, he's almost thirty, and the time we have left on this earth is not as long as we suspect it, to still be deciding on what we want in life. And besides what we want sometimes isn't what we need. Most people are in a job that they despise so they can afford to live comfortably, or have a stable income, or to support what they real would rather be doing not many people love what they do, jobs like that take time(hence the reason I'm going back to school). The discussion was about and hour long, but at the end I asked him with the life he was living currently what did he have to show for it? His response was a shrug. He's been broken, his past is horrible to say the least, but I'm beginning to realize that brokenness is part involuntary and part acceptance. I will a accept being broken, but I don't have to accept staying that way.

Nawwwwwwwwwwww, uh uh

Sometimes Facebook is too much.
Sometimes people take too much of their business and put it up there.
But when people take other peoples business and put it on Facebook that's a bit insensitive and annoying to me.
I don't need people to put any info about my personal life on Facebook, if people gave a crap about what's going on  my my life they would text message or perhaps a call (not really, I hate talking on the phone). But I'm tired of people who feel like they are entitled to my life posting things about me or my family on Facebook pretending to deep, pretending to be ''reborn", PRETENDING. You are as deep as kiddy in the desert, save your sympathy, empathy, pretendathy(see what I did there, put pretend and sympathy together lol) for the people that still believe in your fake self. Yes I get that people can change, but no, not for the people I know, and I know these folks very well, YOU'RE FAKE! I'm just so appalled by how people can feel so deeply like it's there life, like they have to feel more feels than you, SOME OF Y'ALL NEED TO GET OFF THAT DRAKE MESS RIGHT NOW! How- -what - - -like you're so overwhelmed with emotions? Please stop, just stop pretending, and get your life together and leave mine off of Facebook, just stop.

Put honestly, I'm not even mad.

Take A Minute

There's an epidemic of teenage suicide going on. I'm wondering why that is? What is so bad in your teenage life that drives you to take your life? Please stop. We've all been bullied, lived a hell filled life at home, had to fill in the parenting role for a mother and father that decides that having a child wasn't their problem and leaves said role unfulfilled. But this is nothing compared to the gaping wound left in people you leave behind once you're gone. I'm worried about this generation. I'm praying for them but I worry that they're seeing the world and it's garbage and not past it. What I mean when I say that is I think they're caught up in the troubles of now and think that their current situation is going to last always'. I come to serve you notice HIGHSCHOOL IS OVERRATED! And your circumstances will change once you're in the real world outside of your little highschool community. Please just take a minute and realize that it's not going to be like this always', don't see the troubles of yesterday and today, see past it to where you're trying to go. I want all people to stay in the fight of this trivial life we have, it's hard I know but it gets better, but you have to stay in the fight. 

More

I been thinking

Finding a need for more

Not things of material

But something to live for 

The will is there

The reins are tried

The tears of today are easily dried

But where's more 

I've seen death close and 

I seem to know it more

But I want more of life

The breath that fills your lungs

The heart that beats

I want more

More life 

And I'm feeling like its right in my grasp

It's what I deserve

We all do 

We all deserve more

No, I'm not negative I just know my life and how or works.

What some call pessimistic or negative is neither. I'm an extremely motivated person, but I'm also extremely blunt and knowledgable on how MY LIFE WORKS. When another person and myself are faced with the same obstacle I'm quick to assume that my tries to rectify the situation will be much more difficult. No I'm not playing the victim, so remove that from your mind, but I just have come to the realization that no matter how much positivity I speak the outcome is still the same, a complete and utter hell filled struggle that leaves me more broken and mad then I was before and I have to start again. But that's life, that's why I'm thankful I have faith. 

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"Faith, never leave home without it"

END OF COMMERICAL BREAK

But back to what I was saying. It's funny how I can motivate others but when they try to do the same to me I sort of pull the smile and nod while in my head I'm like, that's not how my life works buddy but thanks.  No it's not that I don't appreciate your motivational pep talk coach but um me and the big man upstairs kind of have this agreement that since I gave my life over to him I'm going to have to suffer for it. No man I'm not downing your pep talk it's just.   . . . . . . .YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE. LOL

(Like Drake)That's all me lol