It's a gift

Its a gift to me to not be an only child. Yes when you have siblings it's not peaches and cream but it's  much more fun. I caught myself being ever so grateful about how I have siblings I share my life with versus being an only child. When you have siblings you have an active photo album, stories and times remembered and recalled from different perspectives. Now I'm not saying everyone who is an only child has a sucky life( you do---just playing) but having siblings gives you someone to have your back as well as be your partner sometimes in crime (hehe). Your siblings are your second chain of unconditional love, whether you succeeded or failed they're going to love you regardless. Your siblings sometimes even see your greatness before you even begin to realize it. I'm thankful to have a brother and sister who support me through good and bad, and I may not talk with them everyday but they provide me with such happiness that it doesn't matter if I see them yearly or weekly. What matters to me is if I need them they're there to help or listen, that's what siblings are for. 

Take A Minute

Signal on

Coast clear

I start to turn

Yelling, screaming for me to stop

But only one voice is heard

I stop mid turn exit and stand

I don't even know where I am

But still one voice

Head back to where I was in pieces or continue on toward home?

Leave things unfinished or keep on

Throw in the towel or just take a minute 

I'll take a minute, a breath

Let the cold night air settle in my chest

Realize that I still can

I realize I will

I will rise

I just needed a minute to catch up with myself

Take A Minute

There's an epidemic of teenage suicide going on. I'm wondering why that is? What is so bad in your teenage life that drives you to take your life? Please stop. We've all been bullied, lived a hell filled life at home, had to fill in the parenting role for a mother and father that decides that having a child wasn't their problem and leaves said role unfulfilled. But this is nothing compared to the gaping wound left in people you leave behind once you're gone. I'm worried about this generation. I'm praying for them but I worry that they're seeing the world and it's garbage and not past it. What I mean when I say that is I think they're caught up in the troubles of now and think that their current situation is going to last always'. I come to serve you notice HIGHSCHOOL IS OVERRATED! And your circumstances will change once you're in the real world outside of your little highschool community. Please just take a minute and realize that it's not going to be like this always', don't see the troubles of yesterday and today, see past it to where you're trying to go. I want all people to stay in the fight of this trivial life we have, it's hard I know but it gets better, but you have to stay in the fight. 

More

I been thinking

Finding a need for more

Not things of material

But something to live for 

The will is there

The reins are tried

The tears of today are easily dried

But where's more 

I've seen death close and 

I seem to know it more

But I want more of life

The breath that fills your lungs

The heart that beats

I want more

More life 

And I'm feeling like its right in my grasp

It's what I deserve

We all do 

We all deserve more

Accept the Challenge

Let me have my rant about how being single sucks. 

Some people find it easy to date.

For those people, GOOD FOR YOU! Do you want a cookie or a pat?

Sit down.

I'm single, but looking, but where oh where do I sign up to run the race to find the boyfriend/husband for me?

Seriously somebody send me the website or email please, or text me, either way put me on the waiting list.

But back to this dating thing, again I find myself too tired even thinking about dating, it's such a huge investment. And for what? It's not a definite thing that the guy I go out with is going to like me or me like him and that would be an utter waste of both of our time. Ugh the struggle is real to find someone who is the MVP let alone someone willing to accept the challenge of dealing with me. I live a pretty active life, I'm constantly going and hardly ever stop, sometimes I like to be quiet. I enjoy long walks/run on the beach, a man with high intelligence, but not so high that he's belittling to others, humble, caring and willing to roll with me even if it's an insane idea or situation. But nooooooooo, find a man like that in this place, in this generation, no they're too lazy to even pick up the pen and write the first letter of there name on my sign up sheet. It's either that or they're intimidated. I'll admit I can be a bit intimidating at times, and if you can't run a mile with me without passing out or you quit you're not on my level, just playing. But seriously I would like my husband to love God, like to work out and eat healthy, sorry. So why is it so easy to accept a friend request on Facebook than it is to accept the challenge?

What if

Disclaimer: I would never ever sell drugs and never have even done any. Now that we've gotten that out of the way back to what I was saying. If I sold drugs I would sell the most sought after drug that so many people have never received.  

Common Sense

Think if we lived in a world where people pushed common sense. We would have less kids- - accidents I mean. Less time regretting stupid decisions. I think it would be great to have people running and itching for common sense. 

I'm just saying.

Dime bag of common sense anyone. 

I'm A Survivor

No I'm not a veteran of the corps

Nor am I a survivor of cancer

No I'm not living with diabetes 

Nope not a survivor of rape

I'm not disabled or handicapped mentally or physically 

But I'm more. I'm a survivor living everyday with this

Like other survivors in this world my wounds are not visible 

No they don't dare show

My wounds are ripped open again from memories 

I'm plagued daily by the what if's and why's 

I'm lead not to trust many, a constant reminder that people must only want to be around because they have a motive

This is my life one where I'm left standing but I don't get a medal for being a survivor. 

No there's no ribbon to support what I've earned. 

And to think all I had to do was almost lose my mind, watch my life crumble down around me and have to figure out how to move on from being broken yet again

But somehow I still have a particle of hope and modicum of motivation and a zeal to keep going. 

I speak for the people like me

The survivors of grief.

FZS:This guy!

You're walking around being the dorky, handsome, and intelligent self, completely oblivious to the fact that you're a very attractive man. 

This Guy! 

This Guy: A man who exudes confidence, intelligence, is handsome, while being oblivious to said attractiveness. These mean are a rare species and often leave women in a state of awe, and infatuation        , unable to vocalize there true feelings causing these women to end up in the friend zone. 

Men who just don't know how attractive they are walking around in the fitted vneck shirts and toned bodies, then when they open there mouth they spew out all this intelligent, diverse, open minded crap that makes me find them only more attractive. The thing that pisses me off is that that's just who This Guy is. So I'm in an predicament, call it a FZS, a Friend Zone Situation if you will, do I continue on with This Guy and his lack of realization that's he's ever attractive both mentally and psychically or cruise control this whip right into the FZ, Friend Zone? Maybe I've grown comfortable in the friend zone? I mean I don't have to get the 2 feelings I have left hurt, the doctor bills from the last time I had to put my feelings in the ICU were tremendous. I know that this life is short, and sometimes you just have to go with it. I just don't do well with the commitment thing, I'd much rather be the friend first, then maybe see what can come of it, but in the mean time what am I supposed to do? I don't want to keep getting stuck in the friend zone. 

I pretty much believe that This Guy has no idea that I like him as more than a friend, and honestly I kind of feel as if he's a bit out of my league, but I still feel like WHY NOT YOU CIDERA, WHY NOT? Part of me says GO FOR IT, then the other part says, but be prepared for the friend zone notification to come down hard in your IPhone, or the "I'm not ready for a relationship, blah, blah, blah" which I translate to mean "I'm not ready for a relationship with YOU, blah, blah, blah. The jacked up part is for all the times I've had crushes on This Guy types, they have never known, or I've never told them until after they have gotten a girlfriend and started asking me for advice about there relationship. I guess the friend zone habits die hard? Funny thing is I give them really good advice about there relationships with there girlfriends while dying a little bit inside. 

Friend zoning is something else, it can look like a wonderful place, while if you take up residence there it can leave you very lonely, but oh well. My condominiums paid for now so might as well stay here lol.

I'm going to love you from a far

Everyone has some kind of dysfunction in their families, no ones family is perfect. But do you ever just feel like if your family members were not your family members you would not be cool with one another? A friend of mine said something very true when he said, while you're a child you can't pick your family you sort of have to put up with them, but when you become an adult you pick your own family. For instance I consider my church family my family, and some if my friends like the brothers and sisters I never had. While on the flip side I consider some of my family strangers. I know I'm not the only one who feels like sometimes you can let you family get away with everything but murder. But I look at it this way, would I let a stranger do the messed up stuff that a family member may do? No. So just because we're "family" you're allowed to mistreat me at anytime? Nooooooo. Love your family but  love some of them from a far. 

PSA: Love

This is a Public Self Announcement

Love yourself

You are not like anyone else

God made you different and that's pretty awesome

Just because you're not as skinny or curvy or muscular, or well spoken doesn't make you less than

Just love you and the rest will fall into place

God made you out of his love to love yourself and love others

It really does start with you. 

No I'm sorry won't work for this situation

As I'm writing this blog I'm still shaking a bit so excuse me. 

I just watched a oversized load truck turn over its haul two cars ahead of me. I'm shaken a bit not out of fear, but anger. The turn with which the driver was making is sharp, I drive a turnover prone truck so I know you have to be careful with making turn's---you must go slow or you will flip. When I saw the truck making the turn I knew "he's going to flip" and he did. I'm angered because my mind automatically thought "he could have killed someone." Where he turned over is an area of heavy traffic and people walk up an down the highway at all times. Also what if he was in the inside lane opposed to the outside lane and there was car right beside him? Are you new? Crazy? Both? YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE! When the two guys got out of the truck the driver looked so distraught and for that it feel for you, but this situation could have been cstastrophic, so no sorry is going to he enough probably. Can't say I'm sorry to your boss, the people whose modular home you just trashed or the lives you endangered. Dude YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE!

But thankfully no one was injured. 

No, I'm not negative I just know my life and how or works.

What some call pessimistic or negative is neither. I'm an extremely motivated person, but I'm also extremely blunt and knowledgable on how MY LIFE WORKS. When another person and myself are faced with the same obstacle I'm quick to assume that my tries to rectify the situation will be much more difficult. No I'm not playing the victim, so remove that from your mind, but I just have come to the realization that no matter how much positivity I speak the outcome is still the same, a complete and utter hell filled struggle that leaves me more broken and mad then I was before and I have to start again. But that's life, that's why I'm thankful I have faith. 

COMMERICAL BREAK

"Faith, never leave home without it"

END OF COMMERICAL BREAK

But back to what I was saying. It's funny how I can motivate others but when they try to do the same to me I sort of pull the smile and nod while in my head I'm like, that's not how my life works buddy but thanks.  No it's not that I don't appreciate your motivational pep talk coach but um me and the big man upstairs kind of have this agreement that since I gave my life over to him I'm going to have to suffer for it. No man I'm not downing your pep talk it's just.   . . . . . . .YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE. LOL

(Like Drake)That's all me lol

Yeah I knit. what about it?

When I used to think about knitted mittens, hats and scarves I automatically thought grandmother. I can picture it now a gray haired woman in her little cottage rocking in her rocking chair with two needles and a basket full of yarn balls humming smoothly by the fireside knitting. Flash forward to 2015 and you'll find me out to breakfasts with my sister with my yarn bag and loom, knitting the final stitches on a hat. I don't mind that people stare or ask questions about what I'm doing because I enjoy it.

I took up loom knitting because its a coping mechanism and it's soothing to me. Knitting brings me a small sense of being centered and free and it challenges me. I've made over 100 items ranging from college and NFL inspired knit hats to mittens and even a shrug. Most of the items I've just given away because I enjoy the feel of giving to others versus receiving (that will be another blog about how I don't do well receiving gifts or compliments) anything. Last year was trying for many including myself, but although I had no control over those situations I can control what colors go into a hat or design I do for the brim or if they'll be a Pom Pom on top or not. I know all people have there vices and knitting is one of mine and at least it's constructive. There are many troubles in this life, and some are self inflicted while others not so much, but I think that there's always' an answer to our situation somewhere in between the cracks and crevices of dirt that we have to trudge through to get over the next obstacle

PSA: Ode To A Wretched

This will be a Public Sarcastic Announcement.

Ode to my wretched next door neighbors

Thank you for staying home all day every day. And wearing the same pajamas night and day. I'm figuring you don't wash them because everytime you're outside smoking and talking on your cell phone the stains are still in the same place. You're my motivation as I head off to work. Knowing I'm paying your bills and mine every month keeps me focused in my mind. The thought of knowing after working 10-12hrs I might not have a parking space to park in keeps my worn tired body warm inside. So don't mind me wretched, I'm good, you just keep living off me an any other employed, trying to move up in the world person. It's true everyone must play there part, and you play yours so well. Honestly I'm wrong. I'll take the blame for working so hard when all I should do is sit at home all day and get a check. I must be crazy to think working and providing an income for myself was correct. I should follow you the true leaders because you don't have to wake up early to head into work, or parent your wretched children who if they touch my car again while they're playing and scratch it I will be pressing charges on. It's people like you that I look up to, the honest do nothing's of this life, the ones who have me contemplating where I went wrong in my life. No we don't talk when we pass by but you should know the pure admiration I hold for you.  Ode to the ratchet, I meant wretched. 

------------------------------------------------

Don't take what I say serious, I'm just having fun. 

If I Could Redo High School

Response to pic: I DON'T!

If I could go back to high school do you know how bad I would be? I would be horrible. Let me tell you a bit of history about my high school years. I was fat, had low self esteem, and was not popular. Yes I had maybe two close friends (shout's out to my two closes friends, you know who you are) but aside from them it overall sucked. Schools good, get your education on but the excess, pointless drama I could have done without. If I could go back now I know without a doubt I would be in fights everyday, talk back and barely ever show up to class. I would just be he worst student ever. Why? Because either way I would still graduate. The day of graduation I was surprised to see the same people who barely came to class, definitely failed the class, cussed the teacher out and only showed up to school for home room on the first day of school, graduating. It was then I realized teachers were liars. Teachers spend all this time drilling into your head go to college and you'll get a good paying jobs and all this crap. Well that's all a lie. I have two degrees on the wall and my current profession has NOTHING TO DO WITH THOSE DEGREES. If I had known what I do now about how somewhat pointless school was I would have been more extroverted, less fearful, and more outspoken. Now I don't condone acting out kids(shake my finger) but enjoy your high school years and don't take it too seriously as I did.

If you could go back to high school and do it over what would you do different and how would you be?

Comment please😄 and share it around 

Siblings Will Never View Me As An Adult

My sister said I was sleeping like an angel. 

I don't know why that got to me but it did. I'M A GROWN WOMAN!  But her and my brother still view me as a kid. Yes I'm the youngest but still. 

Being the youngest is something I will never outgrow and the view of me by my older siblings will always be the high squeaky pitched voice,(my voice is still high pitched and squeaky) pigtailed little kid running around. I guess I'll let them have that view as long as they don't think I'm going to be single forever(shouts out to my bro who only wants God to be my man for the rest of my life). Being the youngest in my case allowed me to observe a lot of what my older siblings did. Yep all there mistakes and successes are saved in my memory bank(that's right bro and sis I know the secrets lol). I look up to both my siblings but for a long time I tried to live up to there goals. For example if both my siblings went to a 4 year college I felt in my stupid mind I had to do the same, and if I failed at it then I wouldn't have understood why it worked for them and not me. Anyone who has siblings and never felt the need to compare yourselves to them big ups to you, but I'll admit I was guilty of comparing my life to my siblings. Eventually though we all grow up and find our niche in this jacked up world. Mine just so happened to be the people person niche.  I guess I'm just going to have to accept that to my older siblings I'll always' be a 4'5 round,little kid with pigtails and the same squeaky high pitched voice. 

You just be you

Hellooooooo  

Have you ever dealt with a person who is so set on the principal of things that they completely refuse to recognize the logic or lack there of of things? (I've been there and been the hardheaded person) I have and I've decided that I can either worry myself over this persons illogical views or just let them be themselves. I'm gaining wisdom and realizing that people who are set in there ways and refuse change only have there selves to blame, myself included. The funny thing is though the refusal to change could be a huge down fall and burn a lot of bridges with people. I'm thankful that I'm not too hard headed and that I know I don't have all the answers and I'm being humbled everyday. But it sure is funny when myself or others who seem to want to gaze down from our ivory tower make simple mistakes that could have been avoided if they we were not themselves or ourselves. I know that sounds confusing but I mean it. If we could just not be ourselves for a minute a lot of issues could be avoided. But until we want to change, you just be you.

GYM TIMES! NO EXCUSES!

I firmly believe that people who wake up early on Saturday morning to come and workout are just motivated people, a different breed. I'm one of those people so yup, I'm bias. At my gym there is a large variety of age groups which is motivating to me. There are 50 and 60 year old men and women who can clean and press more weight than an 19 year old male can. Another reason why going to the gym on Saturday motivates me is because everyone wants to be there and is workng toward a goal. It's hard to find a large group let alone two like minded individuals WITH GOALS.  I'm around a lot of people who are younger than me and they seem to lack the ability to be driven or set goals. I've never been a person to not plan or be driven, but the generation of today kind of seems to expect success and feel entitled to it. But they don't understand you have to work hard to have any success. At the gym I know if I stay doing the same weight and never challenge myself I probably won't ever know my full potential. Gym time is great for me because I can get motivated by just watching others strive. We all have a like mind to want to be better health and fitness wise. Also being at the gym is a break for me to be in the moment and be present.  I'll admit I'm still working on the living versus existing thing.

Today we did a body pump class. For those of you who are not familiar with body pump it's a Les Mills strength, conditioning and lifting type class. The current instructor is training to become an actual instructor. I don't know her personal story but I do remember her when she first came to the gym. I do know that she is 100lbs lighter and toned and has competed and completed running races from 5k's to half marathons. That's what drives me because she started with a goal and keeps setting new ones and knocking them out of the ballpark. We all have a story to tell at the gym and although I may not know everyone's name or be friends with them we all have this commonality that creates a comradery. So yeah I may motivate you to push yourself a bit further and not even know it or high five you after a good workout and I don't have to be fearful that you won't high five back. It's a whole other planet I step into when I go into the gym one without whiners or complainers or do nothing's and NO EXCUSES!

Newbie Ramble

I'M NEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

The title of this blog is WHAT!

Why you might ask is it titled that?

Well it's honestly because I felt like it.

Today was a day off from work for me. YAY!

Starting a vlog and a blog is a apart of my new years resolution so we'll see how this goes.

Like I said before today was a day off for me, I mostly spent it knitting (Don't laugh at me because I knit, it's therapeutic) and watching YouTube and Netflix, but hey you work more than 80hrs a week you should be able to do as you want on your day's off, right? I got to hang out with my sister a bit which was nice, I usually don't see her very much since we have opposing work hours.  Besides hanging out with her I did try to go find more work out clothes, and that was a complete lost cause.

I love working out.

How do you know you love working out?

When you buy work out clothes for your regular  clothes. YUP, I'm one of those women, but hey I work hard for this body so why not feel comfortable in my Superwoman Under Armour shirt and pants. There's something about athletic clothes that makes me feel empowered.

I don't mean to sound conceited, because I'm far from it but I do believe that if you feel good about yourself then you can channel that same positive energy outward.

I guess I should tell a bit about myself as well. I work a lot, but I'm thankful for the good and bad day's that come with it. I work out a lot at the gym, I run, I like fitness but I used to be almost 200lbs and in a size 20-22. I love the Lord- - shout out to Jesus Christ for holding me down for eternity. Um what else? I'm funny, and weird, but I think that's what makes me and everyone else in the world unique.

I chose to become a vlogger and blogger for my new years resolution after watching YouTuber Travie Williams. I don't know what it was about him- - other than the fact that he's an, funny, hilarious, attractive, handsome, genuine seeming person. If you've never watched his stuff you can find him by just searching his name. I remember watching his video's and some other popular YouTuber's and thinking wow I would be so afraid to do that.

Why would I be afraid you ask?

Well I'm a shy and guarded person. Doesn't Drake or some rapper have a song about "Trust Issues?" (Shrugs)

Blogging and vlogging requires the vlogger and blogger to be very open.

I'm trying to grow more in my life, because I've gotten to a point where everything is routine and mundane and that's not living, that's existing. Existing is not enough, I just refuse to except existing as my life's legacy. I can see the tombstone now. . . . Good Sister, Friend, Exister. If I'm going to live and God wakes me up every morning I can't let that day be in vain. I'm still here for something- -I have no clue what but I'm going to go about my life living it.

So how does one live there life? That's a question I thought I had figured out, but I realize I don't.

What makes me happy? I don't know? Rainbow pooping unicorns?

All I do know is that  in doing this blogging an vlogging thing it's helping me and I hope it helps others maybe.

All I ask is that you comment, and subscribe to my Blogger and YouTube channel (when I get it up and running that is I'll let you know.)
Alright then, love y'all, peace.